Scraps, drafts and π˜‚π—»π—Άπ—°π—Όπ—±π—² A text file just seems a bit less public and it's inaccessible from my versions of ariane too π—–π—Όπ—Ίπ—²π—±π˜† # jokes for imaginary audiences, jokes for empty rooms Used to do a bit of improv comedy. Where I was working they had a comedy training session and the trainer was doing an auto ethnographic PhD in stand up every night he'd stand in a room an empty room and do stand up and then think about what he'd done. Empty by design. Funny. Not the stand up. Who knows. If a tree falls flat in a forest does anyone know. I feel better about that. I'm just writing this to an imaginary audience but they're laughing more than that empty room If I understand correctly, and I don't, auto ethnography is gonzo science n=1 introspection But now I've looked it up and it means (Look up Wikipedia) That's pretty good. I like it. I was nearly right. It's a journey stand up, for you more than me, I've written this so when I said just now about gonzo science I already knew. I was lying. The act of writing had changed my understanding. I arrogantly assumed you didn't know, you know. Some of you my imaginary audience probably did I mean you didn't my imaginary audience because that's just me and me doesn't know much more than me because it's me But also I'm calling you my imaginary audience you So what im gonna do is ask my imaginary audience for something to talk about and then it won't be written so any learning will be truly here right now My imaginary audience said cheese. No I wasn't asking you I hate cheese not gonna talk about cheese Did he prepare that already? No I didn't. I'm not showing you my notes. When I repeated gonzo science I thought maybe not everyone would be familiar with Hunter s Thompson fear and loathing but it was just being part of your journalism you can never be an observer like in quantum physics. I'll end the sentence there. People always assume that improv isn't improvised Surely they didn't make it up on the spot But that reaction they had was made up on the spot The magic of talking This podcast was made up on the spot This chat happened in real time I went to see derren Brown and he walked on fire or water or something arms outstretched like a creepy smug messiah. I like him. Friend of a friend didn't believe it. He didn't walk on water the audience member was a stooge They were nearly right he isn't really magic, sleight of hand pretending it's psychology when it's just traditional comedy. He wrote that in a book only allowed to read if you're in The magic circle Fuck off downloaded that off the internet. Probably illegal so maybe wait until you're in a different country with enlightened copyright laws, or in space, international waters etc Everyone's got their own truth yeah. Might be factually inaccurate but it's true you know. It's not a value no it's truth. Alternative facts, fake news, might not be real but it's true But behind every fact is a theory. Who said that Does a ferry count as international waters? Isle of Wight. Hover boat. Loved the old hover boat as a kid. Very futuristic very 80s. Remember the 80s? Nah not going there hover boat y know like air hockey and hover boards. We loved hovering in the 80s. Yogic flying was that 80s? 80BC? I think I found out about yogic flying from Street fighter 2 International waters yeah in the sea yeah that's my truth. Don't know don't tell me. I already know. It's interesting the nature of truth. Not for a comedy show. Look it up. Space force. Galaxy army. Star war. Space force. Fuck me. What can we fuck up next? The universe? You know what I like? Nothing it's shite It's the little things. Heard that? That's asda price. Wait no. Something else. The little things. Life's about the little things. Sun on your feet as it comes through the blinds. An unexpected laugh. Saying something the same time as your partner and saying jinx. Fried egg with cumin seeds and paprika Best to ignore the big things 911, financial crash, war, poverty, pandemics, division, hate, the next financial crash, human extinction. Look a puppy. Take your pills, the problem is your feelings, call that a disease. Why would you get angry depressed anxious about the world ending. You're the problem. Its your brain chemistry. Your atoms are wrong your quarks are wrong your 11 dimensional superstrings are vibrating wrong. Look a puppy. Hmm not working. Stupid puppy. If I inserted a silent gap for contemplation here how long till people walk out. A minute? Fun experiment. Not for a comedy show. Probably best to talk about something new, do a call back or something In my 20s (remember your 20s do you? ) in my 20s remember I had this thing i called Sunday night lights I had a soul numbing office job and there were toomany people and I could come back to myself a bit by Sunday night and I'd be awake in bed fizzing with ideas a kind of desperate mania of authenticity before the drudgery of the week And I'd imagine doing a comedy set and writing it in my head. I'd open with a line Welcome to my unique brand of self defecating comedy Thought that was funny what an idiot. Its a play on deprecating and defecating. Kind of admitting im shitting myself but at the same time making out I'm unique and clever. Showing off not trying to connect. It's quite a good pun I still think.. better written down, I'll wait for my 50s brain (remember your 50s kind of old in the middle but not) to disagree. I didn't believe I could do anything in my 20s. Then in my 30s I did and that was fine and now in my 40s (rem.. That's enough ) the realization it's all just an externalization hiding insecurity. Proving that I can do something that I didn't believe. It's not about proof everyone's got their own truth. Oh it's about congruence. Right.Right right right. We're all learning, you more than me. When I was a teen in the 90s remember the 90s when you were in your err teenies dunno yeah I'm in my 40s in the 2020s look like I'm in my 20s telling about teenies in the 90s. that was the punchline I won't do that anymore When I was a teen I was constantly gas lighted by Christians. It's a phase. You're wrong. The devil is making you think that. Yeah honestly. So I wanted to find the fundamental objective truth of everything. Naturally I got into atheism and alien abductions. Parents believed prophet Elijah some kids were taking the piss out of his big nose and so God got a couple of bears to kill the kids while Elijah looked on and did nothing apart from praising God. That's in the bible. They think God has a dissociative identity disorder where he is himself his son and a ghost Ethically I'm not meant to diagnose him from afar but he's omnipresent here there and everywhere so maybe it's ok, and I only diagnose deities during comedy not when I'm working as a psychotherapist. Kali anger issues, Poseidon thought he was a fish, Achilles delusions of grandeur thought he was immortal apart from a bit of his foot admittedly his mum also a fish missed his heel when she dipped him in a vat of immortality, Buddha nah he was alright. I'm sorry you feel like that. Truth is diminished British gas advert. The prices are going up we're here to talk. You gonna help? Yes we'll help you feel better about freezing to death we're so sorry. Are you sorry? Weaponized empathy. Whitewashing green washing need one for this what colour is mental health? Blue no that's just sadness red anger gas lighting is good enough. Gas lit by British gas. If you're worried about me not being funny that's sweet but unnecessary I've probably just inserted this bit when a joke has fallen flat like a tree in a forest. Don't tell anyone it didn't happen. Oh no the gas lit has become the gas lighter. Twisted gas lighter that's fire starter. Similar. I don't need the validation, you're paying for my therapy. Doesn't matter if I don't get a laugh I'll just listen to the silence. I'm a good listener. I am actually a therapist. In real life. Trained accredited. Get in touch. After the show. I like hecklers though. Cry for help. Or a psychodrama where they've fallen into counter transferent aspect of me you know. Someone heckle. Anyone? I'll wait Stopped doing improv when I was training as a therapist. Something jarring about listening to people contemplating suicide then going on stage and pretending you're a dalek I don't know at a dalek dating agency or something I'll keep it light here. Oh yeah no I remember another joke from my 20s. Keep it light in a minute. It's good living on your own coz when you're so lonely that you start crying there's no-one around to hear you Man that's upsetting. My imaginary audience is pretty upset about that let me tell you. I'm writing this by the pool at my gym. Someone just started coughing. I hate coughing now. Put your inner crook of your elbow in front of your mouth. Or your hand. Or you know stay at home. Never really knew about illness before. Colonizing space though that's weird. Did such a great job of colonizing earth. Give it a shot. Shoot for the moon. The states. Thought I saw Colin Powell in a restaurant in Nottingham co Lin Powell. Like coca cola Here obviously cocka colla and that's difficult to say without sounding racist not trying to do Philippino Admittedly I am racist against the usa but that doesn't really count. I popped over there once had a week free and a mate working over in San Francisco. This little dweeb security man thought it was suspicious I just had a bag with me. "Could be an indicator" he said. Terrorists like travelling light. fair enough. One way trip. That fella coughing. Just had a nice laugh with him. He went from the Jacuzzi to the freezing pool and I was like it's cold innit. Feel bad now. He doesn't know I wanted him to stay at home. I shouldn't have brought up the imaginary audience in the second part, that just confuses matters. The callbacks provide a structure. So the imaginary audience is a question about truth and introspection and then when I was saying remember do you remember that was about ambiguity and distortion and context and now I need another one that links objectivity and values like that didn't happen but more direct like that's a true fact , less sarcastic, to be sure, less Irish I'll think of something There something I really hate about the term fake news. That hope and change one handed it to that make things great fella like a baton. Dog with a bone. Really insidious and meaningless There's so much information, research, data, you can have your own facts. In Douglas Adams other series dirk gently there was some software that collected together different facts to get the conclusion you required. Visionary. The truth hurts? You can't handle the truth? Nah I'm trying to think of one remember no I don't remember I can't think you can thanks imaginary audience I can't think you can you could you will You couldn't make it up. Boom There we go no-one's used that before. I like it because it's stupid. Couldn't make it up truth is stranger than fiction. Have you read fiction? Earlier that story about the prophet Elijah? Jeez. A lot of people believe that happened. They're wrong but welcome to believe it Thing about libertarians is you know just admit you're selfish. It's ok. I'd admire your honesty. I'd still be disgusted. There's no point to liberty without equality and love. No-one's free unless everyone's free. The mask will kill you! Your own germs! 5g virus! Worse than 4g! nanobots! They're gonna die anyway! My freeeeeedom! You couldn't make it up. I mean they did though. But there's such lack of trust and derision from politicians and elitism and misunderstanding. You've literally got a diseased mind. No wonder people switch off just look out for themselves. Legitimize their values by making them objective I don't want to lecture. Well I do ..but secretly where you don't know. Like a snake. Like the devil dressed as a snake in a fruit tree. To a naked women made out of a rib. You couldn't. I don't like lies in stand up That technique : something funny happened to me yesterday And you see them again a few months later You'll never guess what happened to me yesterday Well no I know what happened to you a few months ago minus one. But if it's anything like the last anecdote I'm gonna love it And then they tell the same story. Deceived. I'm standing here on my own in front of the mirror with my partner's hairbrush and there is so much hair in it that I barely have to pretend it's a microphone. I did make that up she'll want me to point out that she is obsessively clean. I should ask her. About the obsessive part. I'm not doing PhD in the auto ethnography of stand up. No if I was I'd know that sentence doesn'tmake sense. But I'm not so different. I'm writing this and maybe I'll never perform it maybe I'll just hide it in a secret corner of the internet where people won't see it. When I was a toddler in the 80s. 1980s. Not like Benjamin button. I thought I'd nearly died in a pond in a pub garden and that's why I'm not a confident swimmer. But it happened to my brother. Any trauma was vicarious. Still I'm like maybe my parents didn't remember which son it was. Which son nearly died. The curly one or the blond one. Couldn't make it up. I was just in the Jacuzzi. Writing this the next day so that I'm in a slightly different mindset. And it gets really foamy and I like holding the foam til it becomes bubbles and the unclear boundary between those states. And we're all these bubbles atomized individualized 11 dimensional superstrings worlds apart. What connects us is so much stronger than what divides us. Spooky action at a distance. Ironically more quantum physics jokes when I'm trying to not divide people. Sorry you feel like that. If you analyze a joke it's not funny. Received wisdom. But analyzing a stand up set to an empty room for a PhD that is pretty funny. To me. I'm alone by the pool and I'm glad I am because I can smile to myself and no-one knows and coz of covid. Mostly that. Everything is subjective . perception happens internally. We construct our own world from imperfect input. We don't directly view the world. And our thoughts and memories and biases and traumas and values literally skew what we see. If we assume everyone else is wrong we don't learn we won't grow. Telling jokes to empty rooms.